The setting guilt 

I didn’t write anymore today. My alerts did nothing. Too entangled in going through the motions. Probably won’t get a chance to over the next few days due to a house move and pre-arranged plans. But at least I wrote this I guess. 

I caught my face in the bathroom mirror and felt I needed a change. I cut my hair and over a years worth of beard. The face staring back at me is now no longer my own; It’s mass depleted, now withered and worn. I’m beginning to look how I feel.


One year later…

That’s all I’m going to say about it. A sequence of events occurred today completely out of the blue. I decided to play some fallout when I got in from work. Instead of this I ended up on my laptop writing the first creative peice that I have done in a very long time. This lead to a high level of what I can only describe as some kind of mania and my find went into overdrive, the result being that I have deleted all time consuming apps on my phone. 

It started with Facebook, the past few days I have been catching myself mindlessly scrolling for literal hours on end. The vast majority of my day off was spent either lying in bed scrolling through the same old shit over and over and over again, or lying on the sofa scrolling over the same old shit again and again and again. The only other things I managed to achieve that day was to eat 500 grams or mince in a crude tomatoe sauce and have a two hour bath spent staring into space.

This was followed by all other social media apps except Twitter, I barely use it anyway something seems more genuine about sending out a tweet.

Finally the games had to go. All of them. The ones I had mearly because I like the source material, the ones I had spent a few hours on because I read somewhere that they were good, and then all the tap bate ones I have spent probably hundereds of hours on (and to be entirely honest, about ¬£50 in total.) 

After I did this i was even more and getting some strange nervous, euphoria from kicking back against procrastination. This lead to me setting events and alarms scheduling my down time for the next few days including continuing to write and preparing to move house.

And now I am here. It’s just coming up to 2am and I am at that stage where my eyes are heavy and burning but my mind is racing and I probably won’t sleep. 

I’m writing this in the hope that this is the start of somthing and not just the breaking point of insanity. I need to keep writing. I need to get stuff down. I need to stop stopping. 

I’m going to try and fight through the fogged mind and racing thoughts and sleep, I’m not going to go back and read this now, because if I do I’ll delete it. I always do. This is boring, I imagine also rife with grammar and spelling mistakes, maybe even illegible at parts…

At least it’s somthing.